Did You Ever Wonder?
by dweenamarie
Summary: My first posting. Would Gibbs ever tell Tony the truth? Follows episode "Chained". May be expanded if anyone is interested. Thank You to all reviewers, favoriters, and followers!
1. Did You Ever Wonder?

Tony pushed open the familiar door. How many times had he come here, unable to return to his own apartment, his own life, and just soaked up everything Gibbs had to offer? Sure, Gibbs was the leader and it was his job to keep the team together, but had anybody been watching over him? He made his way down to the basement, where the light of the bare lightbulb failed to differentiate between sawdust and plain old dust.

Gibbs looked up from the sander in his hands, not even hesitating as he took his eyes off his work. He nodded slowly in Tony's direction, but his attention was miles away. After a second, he dropped his head again and focussed on the motion of his hands.

Tony didn't stop at his usual seat, the third step from the bottom. Instead, he walked slowly over to the frame of the boat and sat down between two of the ribs. Keeping his eyes on the floor, he wondered what he could do. It seemed that Gibbs was content to stay silent, but he knew by the unfocussed glance he'd received that it wasn't the best plan. There was no way Gibbs would willingly talk about what was bothering him. Still, distractions were Tony's specialty.

"I've never been . . ." His voice was soft, low enough that Gibbs could pretend he hadn't heard it. He didn't, though.

"Never been what, DiNozzo?" The older man's voice was weary, but it was clear that he needed to understand what was apparently troubling his agent.

"Never been so. . ." Tony voice faltered, and he kept his eyes on the floor so Gibbs wouldn't see his face. "So . . . scared." With that one word, he knew that this conversation wouldn't be over until Gibbs knew the secrets he'd kept all his life.

"Scared of what?" Gibbs questioned.

"Of not being afraid." The puzzling response was intended. Tony knew Gibbs well enough to understand his avoidance of anything that resembled a riddle, and he was almost hoping Gibbs would back off.

It finally seemed to dawn on Gibbs that there was more going on than just Tony's reaction to a case. A case he'd had a chance to have some fun during, but a fairly simple one. He came to sit beside his agent. "Would you care to explain that?" His voice was still low. Neither of them had spoken above a whisper.

Tony's next words weren't what he expected, though. The younger man seemed, indeed, to forget he was even there. "It would be so easy. . .so easy to just let go. To never have to see it again. . .to be safe. I wish. . .I wish" His voice broke, but he continued. "The end of everything. . .no more lies. No more secrets. No more. . .no more. . .no. . .more. . .DiNozzo."

"It seems like it should be easy, but I have to tell you it isn't, Tony." Gibbs said softly, the sadness and finality in his voice urging Tony to look up again.

"Boss?" Tony's question was a whispered plea, needing to know if Gibbs meant what he thought he meant.

"Yeah, Tony." Gibbs moved closer, wrapping his arm around the younger man's shoulders. "I know what you mean. It's too hard; it hurts so much at that last moment when you realize how much you'd hurt the people who love you even though you won't let yourself admit that you love them back."

"Boss. . . when?"

"When I lost my family." Gibbs knew he was essentially opening a can of worms here, but it was finally time to let his younger agent into his life. "While I was stationed in Kuwait, my wife Shannon and my daughter Kelly were here, in this house. It's a long story."


	2. I Wish I Knew

Three hours later, after beer and cowboy steak for dinner, Gibbs guided Tony to the guest room. He returned to the couch, settling quickly to sleep. Strange, how he rarely slept unless he had company.

Gibbs woke from the most restfull sleep he'd had in weeks, not sure what had alerted him. He immediately went to look in on Tony.

"Hey." He spoke softly, just above a whisper. "Are you awake?"

"Boss," Tony questioned softly, "why. . .I mean. . .I don't. . .oh, never mind."

"What, Tony?"

"Nothing. Sorry I woke you."

"Don't apologize."

Tony sighed, loudly. When Gibbs looked up, he was surprised to see a glimmer of tears in his agent's eyes. He sat up and waited for Tony to sit beside him. "What's going on?"

"Your rules. They're useful and all, but sometimes. . .I just wish. . ." There was a long silence, as Gibbs waited for Tony to find the questions he wanted to ask.

"You wish you knew why they're so important to me." Gibbs wasn't asking; he already knew what Tony needed.


	3. Working on it

Gibbs reached out to grasp Tony's feet, scooting them over to give himself room on the side of the bed. He sat for a moment with his head cocked to one side, seeming to listen to something only he could hear. "I made my first rule when I was thirteen. It seems so trivial now, looking back, but it mattered then." He looked down at his hands, folded carefully in his lap. "Back then, rule number 1 was a commitment; Do your share." Looking up again, he continued. "Today's rule number 1: Never screw over your partner." There was silence for a moment, while he thought. "Back then, the rules were about pride, learning to live well. Now, not so much. My rules today are about trust; if a person can't follow my rules, well, there's no such thing as agreeing to disagree."

Now it was Tony who twisted his head sideways. "I always thought you had a bit of an anger problem where the rules were concerned."

"I guess I do. Like I said, trust. I took a lot of flak as a teenager about those rules, until eventually I decided anyone who couldn't have the decency to have the same rules wasn't worth my time. Jack always used to say high school caused my loner attitude, but there was more to it than that."

"Is that why you wouldn't let me write down the rules when I started?" Tony had often wondered what triggered Gibbs' aversion to his memorization method.

"In our line of work, everyone's a suspect. It's not impossible that someone could use my own rules to get close enough to hurt someone I care about."

"How many rules are there? The highest number you've given is rule 38."

"38: Your case, your lead." Gibbs nodded. "I'm up to 51 at the moment. The numbers aren't the important part. They're just handy when code is more effective."

"Probie thinks you have a rule for everything. That true?" Tony scooted over some more so Gibbs could lay down.

Gibbs obliged, smiling wistfully. "Working on it," he whispered. "Still working on it."


End file.
